Selfish

Am i selfish?

I'm wondering...If not, why i'm not smile and laugh as loud and happily as before? I'm becoming a moody girl and my emotions are fluctuating all the times. I can become so happy in one moment while become sad and disappointed in the other moment. Am i too stressed and tensed out? I guess i'm not. But, why is this happening to me all this while?

I'm started to miss all the moment "we" had been spending together. Even though these is already 1 years and more had passed, i can't believe that i'm still missing some of the moments. Plus, you are having your own life and new special friend for now. I should try harder again this time to forget all those moments. Although my friends told me that memory is just some image or story and it will only keep deep inside our heart and can't be forgotten forever, thus just keep it as one of the growing story in life. It is tough and difficult to forget! I had tried so hard for the passed year but why it's coming to steal my smile and laugh this last few months again? Suffering! Please allow me to forget and live happily...

Another story of this year around, i found out that i'm used to keep distance and avoiding from her/him. I had forget the reasons why i'm doing this to them but i can't to be close to them again too. They are just not the type of person that i like to friends with, i guess. I don't know. Same to goes with the other friends, they are starting to reveal their real image sooner or later. Am i too sensitive or just too selfish? I have no idea and lost the faith that i should lend my help. I'm willing to help if you are trying harder and your best towards it before asking me for help. I don't like the persons whose are good in acting or lying, good in speaking and showing pity to others that how pity they are. Come on, i'm a cool girl! I really like to help or lend my shoulder at anytime if you are really try harder and work harder before that. DOn't ask for my concerns if you are like to take some shortcut excluding all the hard works! Bless!!!

KTV---Sad

Today is my friend's birthday...She have a good voice and like to sing k too...so v plan to hv a birthday celebration in KTV as usual...Initially, i'm so glad and happy that at last we can sing again and have fun before the final exam..But, suddenly feel so down and moody. THose songs and lyric keep me remind of him. Think over and over again and again...Why i still feel so sad? i thought i already put down everything and let it be. My friends concern about me and offer me to sing my favourite songs "Hero" but i refuse to sing and make an excuse to finish up my food in mouth and dish. THis song is the most memorable part for me to have my first date and him. It keep me remind of him and the lyric of other songs again and again make me think over until make my tears almost dropping down at that time...But, i hold it and take a deep breath. My tears are been swollen by me. haha...Plus, my YA really make me confused and angry. Stupiak! M are calling that time and ask me to updated them and ok, i promised her that i'll update her but all of my YA now are in exam mood and i think there will no solution at all. YA Cg really maek me angry!!! wrong phone no and blame me not giving him the salary??? He is the one who give me his celcom no instead of digi no...i only got his celcom no and i thought is a digi no since i contacted with him in this phone no since early. Haizzz again...Now only he telling me that the phone no that i contact so far is a celcom no and not a digi 1. This is the reason why his salary is not top up to him. Soon, i settled it with M and hope that it going to be settled.

MOody cow...

A cool night today...usually i like this weather very much and easier to fall asleep. But, today seem have no such mood eventhough i feeling tired and exhauseted after few days preparation of the Food Packaging presentation and some other assignment. Today is Mid-Autumn festival, other are playing tang lung with friends while i'm alone online in living room. I phoned to my bro n my dad n my mom, they seem have their own activities and enjoying the moment with other family members and friends. Hmmm, they are lived happily...i'm glad! But, the feeling of loneliness here make me feel down suddenly and become so quiet again...why i can be so selfish? Why not i speak more n smile more? how can this happen to me? i'm going back to b my old me in Form 4 or 5 at past which i don't want. I want to change since i get to here in Sabah. I told myself to change to a better person and lead myself to a better future acknowledge myself with all the information and knowedge that gain here. HOw come i have this feeling again? become selfish again? I shouldn't become like that...is not fair to the others...i should smile more...smile smile...

Actually i don't know how to react when i saw him with another girl alone in the festival that time. i'm curious to know who is she and ends up i knew that girl, she is the prom queen of the jakmas night and is his coursemate. Hmmm, good since she is really better than me 100 times or 1000 times or more. She is beautiful, fair, skinny, tall...an opposite of me...she din wear spec! haha..i guess this type of girl whose he dream of so far. Thought he give me all those excuses is just to please himself to give more attention to his family and coursework. But, it proves him wrong when he still have time to go out with other girl now since he said he won't think of those relationship yet and won't meet up with girls...no time to commit in relationship??? bullshit!!! i think i'm too kind to believe of what he said. I'm really too naive to trust this kind of person! I'm here to say sorry to everyone that i hurt them and i think is time for me to grow up and get mature of all this things. I should learn to let go him and live my life now... but in truth, can i really do it? words always easier to say out than work it out! Still, time is needed to prove everything! Thought its been 2 months ago, but think that it doesn't disappear from my heart yet at this time. Am i still love him? AM i make myself clear what is love about? or we just a simply ordinary friend after all this while...still miss his cudling and kisses...but are these also a lie that lay within us? The lie that he bears all this while and hidden from me? hey, u! don't think too much....! He found his loved one now and is time to let him go and disappear from your heart now...U can do it! it doesn't worth to let him be by your side while his heart is not yours. So, just let it go!

break~~~single

Ya...same discussion as 2 months back...no change at all but luckily there is no argue between we both on monday just now. He had his reason to make such decision and i think over and over few days back n make me to have that decision too. I think i won't regret of what i had done.

A memory day for me in my life, 21st of September 2009, its been 1 years and 29 days i become his gf. But today start from 12am, we both having some discussion peacefully and mature, we talk about our problems and reasons...Before this, i'm already think over and over for few days and get myself ready to accept the truth and fact. Eventually, this is a good talk and i hope is a happy ending for both of us. He wish to end this relationship with a long story and explaining while i help him to summarise it and said "u wan to end this relationship?" He said ya...and bla bla with is reasons that he is burdening with so many stress and his coursework plus his dad is just going through the operation that i didn't know about it before this. He has his great reason to end this and i think is time...he is not changing or try to approach me. He said he still have the feeling on me but he can't commit in this relationship right now...what is his point? I think this is some way for him to reduce my pain and blame on him? I think so...Haizz...disappoint again of what he did...I don't know is he avoiding something or ??? i really don't know. Anyway, all this discussion come to end about 3am and i wish all the best to him and hope he will happy of this decision. He want to be alone and fight with his own to get through his hard time now...Maybe this is the time he shall growing up and get mature. I'm ok...I not sad maybe because i know this fact since earlier...2 months back? I think so...maybe that time i just try to avoid and make myself so moody and the mood turn upside down so sudden for sometime...this is what my friend told me and they said my mood turn good and stable this few days back~~~ this eventually make me think over about my relationship and i think i really pull him out from my heart slowly...this is also what make me think seriously and make my mind at the end and dare myself to talk about it on monday. So, i break with him~~~is a good ending between both of us where we both are agree to so...

haha...In the same time, cute things happen. When i discuss with him on msn, my beloved Indon are chatting with me on fb. How coincidence??? i also blur...haha...by the way, i'm glad that she is beside me and chatting with me while i'm getting along with him that time. If not, i also don't know will i get through it and make a wise decision? haha...thanks ya! Hope can meet you soon and thing are go well...

Start from 3am, 21st of September 2009, i become single and the next day i called my mom and told her about this. I think she is also can sense it since early as she know this is not a true relationship...we are totally lack of communication and....this is what she said and tell me 2 month back and now...But, actually i already know about this and i also can sense that this day will be coming soon. So it did come and we end this relationship wisely and peacefully...HOpe he really happy after this. So do i...I will become more stronger after this and select the Mr. Right wisely next time...So, hope we both make a good decision and happy after this...All the best ya!!!

Cry for Movie "Tsunami"

Afrer back from campus, hv a good nap and then wake up, bath n online...Happy Farm...haha...And one things, my animal in FarmVille can move? haha...i'm so happy n glad that the animal can move freely as i wish before...Maybe there is some update and changes that made by the operator. Thanks to them as feel bit not nice when see them cannot move freely. After dinner with my two housemate, haha...having some chatting with the juniors that really pleased with us and hv a nice gathering over their house. It seem too long i din met up with them n chat. Jus hv some fun there...hehe. Then, went for a movie " Tsunami" with my coursemate n i cried for the story line...is a touch n true story...my friends said it combine all the best story like titanic...haha..this movie make me think over is it life jus like that? If there is tsunami reach here, can i skip it or jus being cool n wait for its arrival as it seem there is no way for us to run away from this big natural disaster one day? I know the fact of Life is Short, appreciate what u had now and in front of u! However, is it the stuff in front of u is good enough? V should work hard for the best n deserve of what v achieve with our own hard work. I believe in this n hope there is some achievement in future...Still attacking by my friends...i understand they want the best for me and help me to go through this. I also wish that i can settle up that as soon as possible as it seem not fair for both of us when things are in static by time being. I hate this feeling and really wanna get away from this! I'm being avoid or dare not to face the truth? I'm cool i'm cool i'm always being a cool girl but my tears is dropping...is it cause of the side effect of the movie just now? I'm so tensed up...found myself very stupid in either academic or even...i'm becoming so weak> is it? i shall be getting stronger by time being when i'm in here n growing mature. Why i have those mix feeling? i really want to shout out loud n get away from this! i wan solve all the problems n becoming more stronger n stronger n stronger!!! i won't give up so easily and u don't dare to look down at me! U won't get right everytime n bully me in front of friends...i'm not saying a word or defense, is doesn't mean u r correct. Here, what i can say is i'm still too weak to defense myself or i'm trying to avoid a bigger argue or scare to lose a friends or i'm just have no confidence? My weakness my confidence? when can i become stronger? when can u listen to what others' whose try to tell u n expose u to the fact of life? why everyone's thought and words that come from their mouth is correct in their mind and why they so confident that other is wrong?? Is it the other is just too weak? or they are probably too strong? I don't know what is right or wrong recently...can someone guide me through? i should become more stronger to solve all this problem!

My ruddy ask me: do u still love him? do u still have that passion to hug him when u meet him? do u happy now? i really can;t answer him with these few simple question. Am i happy with i have now? without his presence for 1 month, i almost forgot his existence in my life. He still din look for me or a simple msg of "HI" also none from him...really feel that he is disappearing from my mind. Should i take the initiative to msg him again n being hurt again? should i or shouldn't i? With these 3 question, is ti sufficient to allow me to make any decision? think over n over again...Hope there is some guide in my dreams later....Pls guide me through n make strong!!!

Again, i won't give up easily n i will really work hard for a better future n life. I won't make someone that awaiting me disappoint n not being by their side when they r sad n alone. Sorry sorry sorry...i miss u all...I'll succeed and i won't let u down! i won't let others look down at u! I'll try my best n do my best... i'll make u proud n have a better future. wait for me n i'll give u an enjoyable life in future...stay healthy n happy always...i miss u all again! My family...

Blue BLuu BLuuuuu....

ITs raining now...thunder and tiny rain drops...I hope the rain will be getting bigger and bigger and swap everything away from my mind. Wish that after the rain, will make me refreshing up like usual. I'm slept at 6am this morning and woke up at 1pm...cool! Every monday for this semester is an off day for me, Food Tech student. Been told by senior about will getting bit freedom n away from busier life like past for this sem. But seem that we still in our busier life like past 4 sem. Haaha..still the same---> only can sleep at 3am and struggling to wake up at 7am for lecture and busier life continue...Is it i'm too tired of all this? I had skip 5 class for this sem which is a new record for me. One of the commander that i met in DYACC last year, he ask me to step out of the box and present your hidden talent inside you and be confident!!! i still remmeber this by heart and try to achieve it. slowly and slowly, i did achieve it. That's why i dare to skip me class this sem...haha. It is really a new record for me in my life. I din ever skip any of my class in my past life. If does, it sure got some strong excuses for me to do that. I think is a big change in myself. Mayb and maybe it's not a good change actually but is seem getting lazier? Hmm...maybe and cause of too tired? excuses? I don't know. Hope will getting the answer soon. Sorry for my friend that can stand for my temper and thanks to Leng chai wing that help me did mostly all the part of the assignment last night as i got 2 assignmnet in my hand that due today. I know is my responsibility and i really can't focus as both is my good buddy and i don't know how to separate myself into 2 in the same times. This 2 assignment is in a group work and i part of it de. i done a very bad job in the first assignment with wing but i did try my best to work for it but his perfectness is too high...haha. Maybe i'm not focuss enough. But, glad that i did my part in the second assignment and happy for it because we looking for the information together and squeeze our juice in brain and figure out the solution fot the report. Thanks to another buddy that help us go through this where he's not involve in the discussion for this report this time but still help us to solve the problem. Sorry for another Ruddy that waiting me for so long and this also the reason why i can't really focus on my assingment just now. haha...But it's ok. everything is done today and hope that the last event "EXAM" for my finance will be ok too tomorrow. 5 exams is done in past 3 weeks and i also don't know how many assignment, report, proposal and comment that come into once that i dy settled up in this past 3 weeks too. Being a very busy life... I'm really tired and really have no mood. The D that link us together maybe will separate us apart too one day. I really don't have mood or strong spirit to work for it anymore. It seem very annoying n forcing...i don't like. But i bear the responsibility and i will try to get it back in position. As i'm TEO QIAO XIN, i'll never give up on things easily. I'll try my best and do my best. nothing is impossible and I'll try to solve it! By the way, a sudden call from him make me feel warm in mid of way of assignment yesterday actually. But make me feel not nice after the first sentence is about work. It's been a while that he didn't msg or call me and even no msn. My friends ask me why like that? Maybe is time to think over...i hope there is friend that support my decision...maybe i'm just a bad girl.

Quote by TEO...

Today is a good day, tomorrow will be a good day too and the day After tomorrow will also be a good day...Smile and happy to live everyday and every moment u live in this reality world. Whatever u face today is a miracle and whatever u do or did is a... magic that lead and shape u into a better future. Go Go Go...U can do it!!!

This is some quote that appear suddenly in my mind last night as i can't get into asleep...i was awake for 2 hours laying on my bed till 3am in the morning. haha...guess i shouldn't take more nap in noon later ever again.

Everything just in the same place. I still didn't accept any call than more than 5minutes or even a simple msg of care or concern from him...I don't know this whether i should get angry or not...But keep silent maybe is one of the way to not get into trouble...Mayb this is just some time for both of us to keep peace and think over about our situation and make sure everything. However, when v met with each other, it just seem that nothing is happen before. But frankly speaking, after that argue, he is disappearing and he can have no msg or call in a day...and this is being for many days since that argue...

Can i smile again...?

It's raining again...but why my feeling become worse and worse again? Before this, i stated that i love the fresh air after raining because it make me feel refreshing...I'm suppose to be very happy and cheerful now as it rains at this moment. Am i so stupid enough to keep that going on or should i let go? It keep me feel so tensed this few days and i really don't know what suppose i do. My lovely smile is keep me away from time to time...i force myself to smile and talk with my fellow friends like norm, yet it just so hard after that and make me feel i'm so dumb. It is because of that matter or the burden that i had now? However, i'm enjoying my busy life as it fills all my free time to think nonsense...i like it. But yet, there are still some moment that left out and make me think of that matter...why so hard for me to just let it go and if keep the things going on like what's going on now, it's just not fair for both of us. There is been 1 week or more, he didn't even msg or try to have a call, i believe he is so busy with his coursework too. Fine, i understand. I'm not going to mad about this. But yet, 1 week passed, there are still no news from him... Maybe is time for me to make some decision as his feeling is depreciated for time being and i should just let it go...How hard for me to make such decision...truly to my heart.